Coping with my Mama's Stage 4 Lung Cancer while 8 weeks pregnant

This has been the hardest week of my life. My mother was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer which has mestastasized to her brain in 4 tumors.   She also has an enlarged heart from heart disease.  She went into the emergency room for a bad migraine and came out with stage 4 lung cancer.  My mother is the strongest person I know. She has been cheated on, left for her best friend,  put down, buried her child, buried her father, battled heart disease her whole life, and raised 4 children basically on her own. We saw our dad every other weekend.  My mom has battled every fight she's ever been through with faith and courage and has come out the victor.  She has always relied on God to get her through the dark places in life, and so that is what I know I need to do now.  The only problem is, is that this is the most terrifying time in my life and my mother lives 18 hours away from me.  I find that writing is the one thing that has always gotten me through the really dark and tough times. That and faith. 

On top of dealing with all of this, I am 8 weeks pregnant.  I am also the mother to an amazing 3 year old, a wife, a teacher, and a daughter.  Overwhelmed is an understatement.  

Right now where my mother is concerned, I am somewhere between completely devastated and holding onto hope.  Most days I end up on both ends of the spectrum.  I wonder how am I supposed to be a good mother and teacher right now. I am terrified of what I am going to miss, how my depression will affect my child. I know that prayer is the answer.  Sometimes though it just gets really dark.

 I'm trying very hard on the mother end, but sometimes it takes all my energy just to keep from falling apart. He's the sweetest little boy I know. He comforts me. He tells me everything is going to be okay.  He shouldn't have to be doing that. I know.  I don't know how people do this- keeping it all together while 8 weeks pregnant and living 18 hours from their mother all while being a mother of a pre-pre-schooler and work full time. I go back to work tomorrow.

On a positive note- I did these surveys last pregnancy, and it is fun to look back and read them now. So I thought I would do them now.

Mama, Me, and my nephews George and Ethan

Putting Ethan to sleep

Remi Paul

How far along? 8 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: I think I lost a few pounds this week. I'm not sure. I don't have a scale. I've been forcing myself to eat though.

Sleep: I wake up most nights a few times. I guess due to life right now though.

Interesting Dreams: None that I can remember

Best moment this week:  Hugging my baby when I got off the airplane.

Movement: n/a

Symptoms: A little queasiness. Food aversions- nothing too sweet.  Breast tenderness.

 Food cravings: I just crave things that are warm and salty. I was craving pickles.

Food aversions: honestly most food isn't appealing right now, but I'm making myself eat. Chicken sounds repulsive.  anything super sweet.

  
Gender: I've thought a boy all along, but I've thought girl a couple times this week.

 
Labor Signs: n/a

Belly Button in/ out: in

What I miss: Last week. When life was normal, and my mom was okay.

What I am looking forward to: Finding out the gender. Seeing my mom again in 4 weeks.

Weekly Wisdom: Pray.

 
Milestones: Not sure.

34 Weeks 6 Days

I've gotten bad at updating this thing lately,but life has gotten super busy with little Remi on his way.  We had our first shower for Remi, thrown by Chasity and Leah.  It was awesome!  My friend Ashley made the cake and it was delicious.  We got lots of diapers and clothes, a bouncer, and lots of little necessities.  Pictures below!

https://plus.google.com/photos/109948607340807531528/albums/5843057418441992497?authkey=CIy7_8e1vJyqWw


My next shower is tomorrow, and I'll have my last one on the 18th from my coworkers. :) We are a blessed little family.  I can't wait till tomorrow, because we will finally get the crib!  All Remi has in his room right now is his dresser and a little organizer (and all of daddy's comic books of course).  I can't wait to get a bigger place. haha

Great Grandma Frith got Remi a glider so he can be rocked to sleep by mommy and daddy. That should be in around the 20th.  Nana Brown got Remi a Pack-N-Play so Remi can sleep in the room with mommy and daddy (not sure when that'll be in).  All in all we are getting very close! 

I've had Braxton Hicks contractions, but no real contractions.  I went to the doctor Wednesday, and Dr. Lafleur said my cervix seems like it should cooperate. We shall see!  I have a weird cervix that goes from 2 to fused into 1.  So I really hope I can have a vaginal delivery.  :)  I go back Tuesday for a growth ultrasound and my strepp b test. 

I am off from school till Wednesday, so that's super exciting.  :) School has had me in tears so much lately, because I have been soooo stressed out between work, marriage, and a baby on the way that I think I'm about to lose my mind! But my blessings are numerous, so I can't complain too much.

Baby Survey! :)
How far along? 34 Weeks and 6 Days

Total weight gain/loss:I've gained about 16 pounds.

Sleep: I have this horrible burning pain on my skin where it is stretched the most (my ribs).  Remi likes to get up in there (all the time), but especially at night.  So my back hurts behind my ribs and my skin feels like it's on fire in front of my ribs.  My lower back hurts because of the added weight.  Needless to say, I don't sleep very much.  I did sleep in today though! :)

Interesting Dreams- I had an awful dream that I found my mommy dead. :(  I've had a lot of very vivid dreams lately.  They feel so real!

Best moment this week: hmm I'd have to say it was when Jeremy and I were lying in bed early in the morning and Jeremy had his hand on my belly.  Remi just kept kicking him over and over. It was so sweet.  He'd never got to feel it that much before. :)

Worst moment this week:

this was a loooooooong week at work. 

Movement: lots and lots :)

Symptoms: umm cravings for sure.  Braxton Hicks contractions. Back Pain. Rib Pain. Frequent urination. Burning skin.  Movement.  Weight gain.
 Food cravings: ice creammmm. All the time. I've wanted ice cream every day here lately.  I also have a new found love of Chinese buffet. :)

Food aversions:  hmm nothing really. I'm still hesitant to eat the things that made me sick my first trimester- such as Outlaw's BBQ which my husband has been wanting for days. 

 
Gender Prediction: It's a boy!

Labor Signs: Baby has turned head down! and Braxton Hicks contractions.
Belly Button in/ out: It pokes way out a lot, unless Remi is in a weird position, then it's sucked wayyy in. lol
What I miss: My body being my body.  I love feeling my baby move, but I'm in so much pain all the time now that I'm ready to just get to hold him and have my own body back. 
What I am looking forward to: Remi being here.
Weekly Wisdom: 
Take everything one day at a time.  Don't panic if everything isn't prepared how you want it.  You can only do so much. :)

31 Weeks 3 Days

 Baby Survey! :) (Wednesday, January 16, 2013.)

How far along? 31 Weeks and 3 Days

Total weight gain/loss:I've gained 12-14 pounds. Somewhere in that area. :)

Sleep: I've been having more trouble sleeping lately. My back hurts when I lie down, and Remi likes to stay in my ribs. It used to be that when I laid down flat he got out of my ribs, but not anymore. Plus I wake up to pee at least twice a night.

Interesting Dreams- haha Last week I had a dream that my cousin (who would never ever do something like this) kicked me in the stomach, made me bleed, and sent me into labor and just left me lying on a random sidewalk! I had been reading a little too much on preterm labor that day. lol

Best moment this week: Today! haha We have today off due to hazardous weather (in Louisiana if it rains too much they close the interstate- haha okay and it's a little icy ;).  I really want to work on lesson plans, but I'm having a super hard time getting motivated.

Oh yea- and even better than today was Sunday! My 24th Birthday. :)  I went and saw The Hobbit with Jeremy, and then Chasity and Caleb cooked us dinner. So much fun! Love my friends and hubby! :)

Worst moment this week: hmm.  I guess I haven't had any terrible moments this week.  I did wake up completely overwhelmed one day this past weekend

Movement: He still moves quite a bit, and I can actually see it quite clearly in my stomach when he moves or kicks.  He also started getting the hiccups- at least frequently enough so that I could figure out what it was. :)

Symptoms:I'm getting to the plain uncomfortable point in pregnancy. He basically spends the whole day in my ribs. It's hard to breathe, and it's hard to get up and do anything. I feel a little more pressure down towards my pelvic region, but not a lot.  I'm also tired a lot.  However, I can finally see the light! 8 1/2 weeks to go!

 Food cravings:hmm.  Nothing sticks out.  Maybe donuts. I've definitely been wanting them a lot lately.

Food aversions:  hmm nothing really. I'm still hesitant to eat the things that made me sick my first trimester- such as Outlaw's BBQ which my husband has been wanting for days. 

 
Gender Prediction: It's a boy!

Labor Signs: Baby has turned head down! (Not exactly labor, but it's positive progress. :) )

Belly Button in/ out: It pokes way out a lot, unless Remi is in a weird position, then it's sucked wayyy in. lol
What I miss: Sleeping howeverrrr I wanted to. On back, on belly, without worrying I'm suffocating my baby.
What I am looking forward to: Remi being here.
Weekly Wisdom:
Enjoy being pregnant, because before you know it your getting close to the finish line, and realizing you'll miss feeling his little movements and kicks.

28 Weeks 5 Days

 So, I've been a bad blogger as of late, due to the business of Christmas, and a flu-like cough and fever combo. The fever is gone, the cough is now lingering for the 11th day, and I am beyond miserable.  Christmas went well however, I managed to get well enough to get out of bed on Christmas Eve to go see my daddy's family and the in-laws (with a pulled muscle in my back :( ). Then on Christmas day I spent most of the day laying around in Merryville feeling miserable. I was really bummed out, because my Mama was down and I barely got to spend any time with her! :(  Now I have a week left of Christmas break, and a ton left to do. I need to get my house cleaned and my lesson plans written for at least 4-5 weeks in advance for school. I only have 11 weeks left till my due date and it is getting very close.

We were suppose to move to a downstairs apartment, but due to an arrogant and ignorant apartment manager, and the apartment complex's decision to make us sign a new lease and pay all our deposits (including a $1000 pet deposit), to which I said heck no.  I can't wait to get out of this apartment complex.  I want a rent house with a fenced in yard soooo bad.  

I also am ready to start putting Remi's room together, but I don't have the space yet (Jeremy still has to move the extra stuff to his parents new storage building) or the furniture.   I do have a dresser I can move in as soon as his stuff is moved out. I want to get to organizing the baby stuff we already have, but I can't yet.

I hate to sound so negative in this post, so I'll move on to a happier subject of Remi! :)

I went to the doctor's office yesterday, and failed my glucose test by 1 point! Ugh.  This really stunk since my doctor told me she believes I basically have a 0% chance of having gestational diabetes. Word of advice don't eat AT ALL before your test. All I had was a small bowl of apple sauce and water about 3 hours before my test. I go back in Monday for the 3 hour test. Woohoo! (not) Truth be told it didn't taste as bad as all the horror stories I had heard.  I'm just not looking forward to doing it on a completely empty stomach.  

However, I did get to have an ultrasound done, and the nice ultrasound tech showed me 3-D images of Remi, and he is already looking soooooo handsome! :) I can't wait to look into those big ol' eyeballs and kiss that sweet little nose.  I also found out he is head down now (yay), so I have to see if my cervix will cooperate. So long as it does, I should be able to have a vaginal delivery. yay!   But-- we'll see. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. So long as he is here and in Mama's arms. :)

Isn't he the most handsome little thing you've ever seen? :)

Baby Survey! :)

How far along? 28 Weeks 5 Days

Total weight gain/loss:I had gained 10, but I got sick, so now I'm at about 7.

Sleep: I sleep just fine, other than waking up to cough or go pee. :)  I do find that if I end up on my back when sleeping that I have back pain, but usually I sleep with a pillow.

Interesting Dreams- umm not lately- that I remember.

Best moment this week: seeing my sweet Remi on 3-D ultrasound! :)  Also getting to spend time with my sweet husband and family for Christmas.

Worst moment this week: ummm. Being utterly sick has pretty much just sucked all around.  But I also was pretty bummed when I failed that Glucose test by 1 point- and when they told me Remi has went down iin his percentile again- but my doctor still isn't worried- even though I am. : /  21st percentile as of right now- so I'm pigging out trying to gain weight, so that maybe he will too.

Movement: allll the time. Especially into my ribs. That's not the best, but I sure will miss all his little kicks after he's born.

Symptoms:I'm getting to the plain uncomfortable point in pregnancy. He basically spends the whole day in my ribs. It's hard to breathe, and it's hard to get up and do anything.  I'm getting that nesting feeling, but it isn't easy to nest when you're exhausted and sick.

 Food cravings:umm I definitely haven't been craving sweets.  Right now though, I could definitely go for a milkshake- which is new. :)

Food aversions: lately? anything with too many sharp edges that will make me cough.

 
Gender Prediction: It's a boy!

Labor Signs: Baby has turned head down! (Not exactly labor, but it's positive progress. :) )

Belly Button in/ out: Oh it's out ALL the time if I'm standing. It sinks in a little when I lay down.
What I miss: Sleeping howeverrrr I wanted to. On back, on belly, without worrying I'm suffocating my baby.
What I am looking forward to: Remi being here.
Weekly Wisdom:
Don't take on more than you can handle. It's okay to be a failure in some aspects, because it's most important to take care of yourself and your baby.

25 Weeks 3 Days :)

Baby Survey! :)

How far along? 25 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain/loss:umm not really sure. Hopefully 10 pounds by now.

Sleep: Oh mannnn has my sleeping changed. I have an anxiety disorder, so I was waking up mid panic attack at least 3 times a night, to the point where I was literally sleep deprived and depressed. So my doctor put me on this sleep medication to help me sleep, which has helped ALOT.  Originally the dose she put me on was wayyyyy too strong, and I ended up sleeping 13 hours straight (without even getting up to pee!) one day right after work. But we lowered it, and I only take it every other day now.  It has helped sooo much. I have been dead set against meds, other than the kidney pill and prenatal vitamins, but the risks are very low, and I don't wake up crying anymore.

Interesting Dreams- Weird crazy dreams that make absolutely no sense.  Last night I was a sea creature being chased by an octopus that had to breathe oxygen to live, so I out ran it by swimming too deep. lol random!

Best moment this week: hmm I'd have to say the best moment this week was spending the day with Jeremy looking for the Dark Knight Rises on blue ray- with the special cowl thingy. lol It was fun, and he was being sooo sweet and opening my door and giving me sweet hugs and kisses. I love him!

Worst moment this week: hmmm. Nothing too bad happened this week. I guess finding out we might not be getting our bonus kinda stinks, but we'll make due!

Movement: oh alll the time. He's kicking me right now in fact.

Symptoms: Sleep deprivation (before).  Weight gain.  Emotional. Having to pee every 30 minutes.  EXHAUSTION. Still. I'm always tired, even when I do sleep.

 Food cravings:I had a weird craving for an apple this week. It was delicious. PB&J was another weird one. lol

Food aversions:  chicken

 
Gender Prediction: It's a boy!

Labor Signs:none

Belly Button in/ out: Oh it's out ALL the time if I'm standing. It sinks in a little when I lay down.
What I miss: Sleeping howeverrrr I wanted to. On back, on belly, without worrying I'm suffocating my baby.
What I am looking forward to: Christmas Break!
Weekly Wisdom:
Just Breathe.  Life has a way of working every little thing out. What will be, will be, so let it be. :)

22 Weeks 6 Days

Baby Survey! :)

How far along? 22 Weeks and 6 Days :)

Total weight gain/loss: 7 pounds! :) I know that isn't a lot, but I've been working hard to gain weight. :)

Sleep: I've been sleeping well- except having to wake up to pee or when Remi is kicking me a bunch. :)

Interesting Dreams- ummm. I don't remember any of my dreams lately.

Best moment this week: feeling all Remi's sweet little kicks, and getting to see him again on the ultrasound!  I go back December 12, and I'll get to see him again.  Being high-risk is scary, but at least I get to see him a lot. :)

He is just our little acrobat. Yes, that is his feet way behind his head as he sits in the bottom of my uterus pressing on mommy's nerve. ;)


Oh! and I got to see my old best friend Rosalia. She is preggers too, but she lives in Utah, and I hadn't seen her in 2 years! I was super excited to see her beautiful face. 

Worst moment this week: stress related things

Movement: lots and lots of movement. Had my first cervix kick this week. Woah! That was an experience... lol

Symptoms:food aversions, cravings, exhaustion, emotions, burning skin (due to the stretching), umm that's it. I think. Oh yea. and I have horrible pregnancy brain. lol

 Food cravings:all things vanilla :) and candy. and sometimes random stuff like chicken salad.

Food aversions:  chicken, but really it depends on the day.

 
Gender Prediction: It's a boy!

Labor Signs:none

Belly Button in/ out: out most of the time now

What I miss: I miss not having restrictions.  I'm just always scared I'm going to do something to hurt Remi.

What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving so I can see my Mama!
Weekly Wisdom:
Buy your baby a cute outfit. :) It's cute to see it hanging in the closet.

Wellll, now I've been thinking about a crib for the past couple of weeks and I was very up in the air, because I've always pictured a white crib.  I was unsure though, if white was an okay color for a little boy.  I finally decided that they only get to be sweet little bitty innocent babies once.  They get to have white beds and teddy bears and baby animals, and no one gets to say anything. So I decided on this white Jenny Lind crib. :)

I had a Jenny Lind crib as a baby, but mine was cherry colored.



The hubs and I are going to register at some point this week.  I wanted to do a tortoise and the hare theme, but I can't find a tortoise and the hair crib set, so we'll see what we find! :)

I want to start updating this thing more, but life is so overwhelming with school. Jeremy and I are off for a week for Thanksgiving, but he's working at The Sandbar tonight.  I wish we didn't need the money, because I hate when he works nights.:/

Random image of me and my lovely coworker and co fifth grade teacher at family fun night back right before Halloween.  I couldn't remember if I posted this. :)

  

20 Weeks 6 Days

Baby Survey! :)

How far along? 20 Weeks 6 Days!

Total weight gain/loss: about 5 pounds

Sleep: I've been sleeping well- except having to wake up to pee or when Remi is kicking me a bunch. :)

Interesting Dreams- I had the most depressing vivid dream last night, but it wasn't about sweet baby Remi.

Best moment this week: getting to spend time with my grandma

Worst moment this week: umm. There weren't any completely horrible moments this week.

Movement: The little stinker woke me up at 3am last night kicking the mess out of me. ;)

Symptoms:movement, dry flakey skin on my boobies and belly,

 Food cravings:all things vanilla :)

Food aversions:  chicken

 
Gender Prediction: It's a boy!

Labor Signs:none

Belly Button in/ out: it depends on what little Remi is doing. Sometimes it's wayyy in and sometimes it's wayyy out. :)

What I miss: I know this is horrible, but I still miss my flat stomach. I also really miss sweet tea.

What I am looking forward to: Thanksgiving so I can see my Mama!
Weekly Wisdom:
Organization is key.